Grylls Land: Part Three
INCOMING TELEGRAM FROM FUTURE -- "Welcome back, for the final part in this motivational and inspiring tale (not). Last time you were here, Julian, the Fat Troll and SOM had just rescued Grammar Git (not because they wanted to, believe me, they would rather King Bear have shot him dead), and were heading back to Julianos Tower to concoct a cunning plan to stop King Bear once and for all! Will they succeed? Better read on then, innit?" LOG #1 23rd JANUARY 2031 -'' "The Twatards Begin"'' The pink private jet roars up at Julianos Tower, which suddenly illuminates pink as it senses Julian's arrival, covering New York in a pinkish hue that annoys the local residents. As the jet lands, Julian activates a hologram projection of his head in the sky, annoying the residents even more. In the jet, Nigel has fainted due to seeing the morbidly obese Fat Troll, the horrifyingly decrepit SOM, and the half-plastic Julian Jones. SOM wheels into the penthouse at a high speed (possibly trying to show off that he's a pro at riding a wheelchair when, in fact, he's shit. He proves this by almost falling off the edge), followed by Julian who is purposely shaking his arse about as he walks. They've left the Troll to drag Nigel inside. Inside the penthouse is ridiculously camp and luxurious. Julian complains it's too small as he can't drive his Porsche around it, or skip around it at a high-speed. The walls are rainbow and there are gold, naked statues of Julian around. SOM called it a shithole and the Fat Troll tried to take a dump on the carpet (but was spotted and then tasered). Nigel awoke as 1cm of the Fat Troll's bum crack was on show, enough to cause a colossal and deadly stench to fill the area. As Nigel awoke, his instinct was to recite pi and every chemical element on the periodic table. The twatty trio thought he was talking a foreign language, and then Julian explained that they all need to work together to take down King Bear Grylls. Nigel explains that Bear Grylls cheated in the election, to make it seem like Bear got more votes, when in fact, Nigel had. Of course, the only reason Nigel was in the lead in the first place was because he lied about giving everyone a billion dollars if he won, which is impossible. Secretly, he was gonna make it illegal for people not to wear big wooden clogs, and turn Earth into the First Clogsworld of the Grammolian Empire. But that's another story. Anyway, the four concoct a plan, and decide to give themselves a cool team name. Nigel creates the name, though the others did give suggestions (bad ones) but were all interrupted by a twatish "Ah-hem! I'm the Grammolian here thank you very much! He he!". The name he came up with was; The Twatards, which is an anagram of Totally Walloping and Arse Thumping All Retards Disguised as Superheroes. The Fat Troll, Julian and SOM all look at each other and nod, as Nigel said it so annoyingly fast and ended it with a large click of his clogs. However, stomping is heard far into the horizon. The four fools rush to the window, with SOM's wheelchair knocking into Nigel's legs causing him to shriek. Outside the window, FLYING towards them is the Mecha-Bear. It stops off momentarily at the Statue of Grylls to pick up King Bear, and continues heading for Manhattan. Julian quickly activates a large cannon that extends out the top of Julianos tower. The reason Julian had this is unknown at the current moment. The cannon locks onto the Mecha-Bear, and Julian slams the shoot button with his buttocks, but nothing fires! No ammo! Julian thinks quickly, he needs to find a big, ball-like object. That's it! The Fat Troll! Julian pretends that it's perfectly safe for the Troll to go in the cannon, when in fact it could go wrong and incinerate him. Julian wallops his arse down on the button again, and the Fat Troll goes flying out! A blur of lard shoots across the Manhattan skyline, heading right for the Mecha-Bear! Meanwhile in the Mecha-Bear, King Bear has sat himself down in his comfy throne, infront of a large viewing window. He's snacking on some Faeces-Flavoured-Fudge and Pisspi while he watches New York coming closer in the distance. However, he sees something that shouldn't be there. A projectile of somesort, heading straight for him! King Bear quickly rushes out of his chair, and runs for the escape corridor, for the escape pod (located in the Mecha-Bear's arse). But Bear isn't fast enough. With an almighty, fat crash, a great big fat lardarse has come smashing through! Bear runs, thinking he is Indiana Jones running from the boulder. But he doesn't make it to the escape pod. Instead, the Fat Troll is too fast, and rolls over him. His arse crack goes on Bear's face, causing him to go unconscious. Meanwhile, at Julianos Tower, Nigel Grammolian demands the use of a computer, so he can hack into the Mecha-Bear's systems. Julian takes him to the Gay Computer, a big, heart shaped computer. Nigel cracks his fingers, thinking he's all bad, but instead he cracks them too hard and cries a bit. He then proceeds to type at 258mph on the keyboard, causing steam to emit. The Mecha-Bear, has reached Manhattan, and begins firing lasers while making it's way for Julianos Tower. Just as the Mecha-Bear was about to smash into the tower, it falls. Nigel's hacking worked! Julian, Nigel and SOM celebrate and cheer. But then they remember the Fat Troll was still onboard. Julian, Nigel and SOM continue to celebrate and cheer. LOG #2 23rd JANUARY 2031 - ''"It Ain't Over Yet. Sorry"'' Julian pops open some champagne as the three are about to party. SOM begins attempting to dance by moving his wheelchair from side to side, but falls over. Nigel does some tap dancing in his wooden clogs, causing a deafening knocking noise. While outside the tower, King Bear is climbing up it! Julian turns up some music, but then King Bear smashes through the window, and arms himself with a pistol. King Bear storms up to Julian and Nigel, on his way, he kicks SOM's wheelchair over, calling him "a useless oldie." King Bear explains that he will kill Julian and Nigel, and remain king forever, when...Bear falls over with a scythe in his back! SOM has saved the day, and exclaims, "Nobody calls me oldie, even though I'm 108. I'm young." The Fat Troll then re-appears, having copied Bear by climbing up the tower, except he looked more like King Kong. The Twatards all then have a big party, and all was right in the world. EPILOGUE The next day, Julian awakes and thinks...it's time for Queen Julianos to rule the world.